The obvious response - dropping a jug of apple juice to create a distraction - may close the subject, but it won’t make you very popular with your local grocer. Besides, we all want to teach our children to be sensitive and understanding about human differences. So why does it feel so awkward to talk about them?

At least part of the answer lies in the cultural sea changes that have taken place within the last thirty years. Before IDEA (the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) was passed in 1974, special education and disability rights had hardly entered the American lexicon. Children with disabilities were often institutionalized from infancy; those that remained with their families had little access to adapted school programs. When public schools began making spaces for children with special needs, new opportunities were created for typically- developing children to forge real relationships with peers at different levels of ability. Unfortunately, many of those typically-developing children’s parents weren’t yet comfortable talking openly about physical and cognitive differences.

Today, Triad schools in North Carolina serve thousands of students with special needs - over 11,000 in Guilford County alone. Whenever possible, these students are served in inclusion programs, where they learn and play right alongside their typically-developing peers. That means that today’s generation of children enjoy more diversity than ever before in their classrooms. It also means that we parents have to get good at answering questions!

“It really doesn’t bother me when people ask me questions about my disability,” says Jenny LaRocco, a college student who has cerebral palsy. “I take it as a teaching opportunity.” Melissa Ripper, who has a daughter with autism, adds, “I love it when people ask me about our situation. I feel that’s how I get the word out about living with autism in our home.” But some parents prefer to keep discussions about a child’s differences in the family. As one Mom puts it, “I do not like for people to ask me a question in front of (my daughter) about her condition. I know one day we will have to explain (her differences) to her. But we…have chosen to keep things from her right now.”

As with any social situation, a little common sense goes a long way. If someone is very open to sharing information about themselves or their child, you won’t have to scratch the surface much to get them talking. But refrain from asking what’s “wrong” with someone (nothing!), or addressing someone’s companion or caregiver rather than the person themselves. After all, you wouldn’t approach a woman whose husband wore glasses and ask her, “What’s the matter with his eyes?”

When your child asks a question about someone’s difference, simply acknowledge his or her observation: “Yes, she has braces on her legs. Some people wear those when they walk.” Then remove any trepidation by smiling and saying, “Hi, how are you?” If your child is intrigued by someone’s behavior, the same idea applies: “Yes, that boy’s jumping up and down! You like to do that when you’re excited too, right?” Then greet the child just as you’d greet any other child in the store.

We can also model respectful behavior by using “people-first language.” If I tell you that I have an autistic son, you’ve been introduced to his disability before you’ve even had a chance to conjure up an image of a little boy. But if I tell you that my son has blue eyes, mile-long eyelashes, an affinity for all things SpongeBob, a collection of Beatles CDs, and autism, you have a much more colorful and accurate portrait of the very special boy he is. What do you see when you picture a “disabled person”? A “disabled” car is broken, non- functional, going nowhere. I have yet to meet any people who fit that description. But I do have friends with disabilities, and great senses of humor, and fantastic handbags…

They also have plenty of independence. Being sensitive to persons with disabilities doesn’t always mean helping them. While we want to encourage our children to be helpful and kind, we must also teach them to make sure help is wanted by asking before, say, grabbing someone’s wheelchair and taking over. Offering help is a wonderful thing, but you may be surprised how often it genuinely isn’t needed! It’s also a good idea to always ask before touching someone’s equipment; this can be a matter of safety. Also, though they may be hard to resist, it’s not okay to pet an assistance dog unless its owner invites you. It’s important not to distract these dogs when they are working.

Parent modeling is the single most important factor in shaping how children will respond to differences. To set good examples for our children, we must first reflect on our own attitudes about persons with disabilities. This process can be surprising; often we are not aware of our own deeply-engrained prejudices until we closely examine our experiences and reactions. We can begin to update our beliefs about persons who are different by considering the old, tried and true adage: You can’t judge a book by its cover.

Renowned author and cosmologist Stephen Hawking’s intellect is awe-inspiring in and of itself; the fact that he has achieved so much with significant physical limitations due to motor neuron disease is especially compelling. The fact is he’s not such a rare breed. While physical and cognitive disabilities do sometimes manifest together, the majority of persons with physical disabilities have no cognitive differences whatsoever. “When I catch someone staring at me,” says LaRocco, “I will ask them, ‘How are you doing today?’ That always catches them off guard. It’s funny, because the person without the disability is like, ‘Wow…she can actually speak too!’ I mean c’mon, we are just people!” By the same token, there are also “invisible” disabilities which can affect a person’s behavior, even if he or she appears to be typically-developing. As the Mommy of a little boy with autism, I can attest to how difficult it is to have a screaming seven-year-old on the floor of the mall, and a hundred eyes wondering why you can’t control such a big kid. “If one of our kids has a tantrum in public, (people) automatically assume the child is undisciplined,” says Monique Justice, whose son has Asperger syndrome. “Society tends to judge, thinking that we don’t parent properly. Children with autism didn’t ask for it, and as parents we certainly never wanted this for our kids.” Simply understanding that some children genuinely can’t tolerate the barrage of sights, sounds, and smells in public places is a good way to extend sensitivity to those children - and their caregivers.

Once we have considered our own attitudes - and maybe our misconceptions - about differently-abled people, we can become better role models for our kids. All children notice differences in others - hair color, skin color, language - not out of rudeness, but out of genuine curiosity. Noticing and wondering about what makes people unique is a part of how children develop their sense of self. When we discourage children from asking questions about differences, or tell them it’s impolite to do so, we send the message that those differences are bad. If something is natural and okay, then why can’t we talk about it? When our circle of friends is diverse, we create richer lives for our children and for ourselves. Ω